BUSINESS EBAY

Now that you know the ten ways to kill your eBay business, how about we explore what to do if you want to do the opposite, and make a success of it? The next email will give you ten steps to successful selling on eBay.

Use reserve auctions: Now, this is a fairly

controversial final choice, but it really is one

of the best ways to scare away your customers.

They’ll see ‘reserve not yet met’, and click that

‘back’ button before you know it. Luckily, they

can always bid in a normal auction for the item

somewhere else.

Write short descriptions: Be as brief as possible,

and use lots of mysterious abbreviations. This

obviously makes you look very cool. You can even

just write the title again in the description box.

Think of the effort you’ll save!

Don’t take photos: It’s such trouble, after all.

If buyers are picky enough to actually want to see

items before they bid on them, then screw ‘em,

that’s what I say.

Make your listings ugly: As many colours, flashing

lights and animations as possible will really

give those customers a headache. Write as much in

CAPITALS!!!! as you can. Preferably big, red

capitals. Be sure to use the fonts Impact and

Comic Sans. For an extra special touch, see if you

can figure out a way to add some music.

Refuse to give discounts: You know what your items

cost, you know what your profit margin is going

to be, and you’re not going to negotiate. Remember

that giving customers special deals might make

them feel good and come back to you again.

Sell rubbish: Really, it’s just eBay. You can just sell any old tat from the market for a 200% profit. Let quality be someone else’s concern – I mean, really, what do they expect for that price?

Don’t bother with email: Customers are just

timewasters anyway. eBay businesses are supposed

to run themselves! Never give informed responses

to questions about your item.

Let items end anytime: Few people will be around

to care about your auction if it ends in the

middle of the night. Why go to the trouble of

working out whether auctions will end at a good

time?

Lie about an item: Say it works fine when it

sometimes doesn’t work. Say it’s in perfect

condition when it has a scratch. Your customers

will hate you!

Post whenever you feel like it: Make sure to leave

your customers hanging around, wondering when

their item is going to turn up. This makes sure

they buy from someone else next time.